I am currently a complete mental mess. Let me tell you why.

For years, I have been taking Trintellix for major depression and anxiety. Along with semi-weekly therapy, this medication has made my mental health change for the better.

We found out earlier this year that our insurance company, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, would stop paying for Trintellix. They said it was too expensive. I guess my peace of mind was….whatever. US health care, am I right?

At the end of August, I started Lexapro. My medical management specialist advised me well in advance that the transition from one medication to the other would be difficult. She could not have explained that enough.

In the last few weeks, I have experienced damn near bipolar experiences. I have felt the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows.

For example, last Saturday, Nancy and I planned on playing Starfield all day (to clarify, Nancy likes watching me play XBOX games like a movie). Early in the afternoon I just didn’t want to play video games anymore. For those of you that don’t know me, I LOVE video games, and have been known to play video games 8-12 hours at a time.

I just didn’t want to do something that I loved doing. Full stop.

The next day was the first Sunday of NFL football. I was over the moon. I could NOT be taken down. I was excited about football! I cooked chicken and sausage gumbo from scratch! The Ravens won! It was an AWESOME DAY!!!

The VERY next day: I made a major screw up on a woodworking project, and I felt like I wanted to vomit. I also had intrusive thoughts that made me want to quit woodworking, or worse…The very WORST intrusive thoughts.

I hadn’t had those thoughts in a while. That scared the shit out of me. Well, nothing to do about that than suppress it, right? That’s what I did…until my next therapy appointment.

Ok, y’all…I’m not trying to preach here, but EVERYONE WOULD BENEFIT FROM THERAPY. There, I said it.

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday. She said that I may have a rough road ahead of me. That’s not something you want to hear from your therapist. You want to hear “You’re doing great!”. The one thing she said that gave me hope was “There’s light at the end of the tunnel”.

Unfortunately, I talked to my med mgmt specialist the next day.

She gave me more grave details. I had 6-8 more weeks before my brain agreed with the new meds. In that time, I would have to deal with the ups and downs that I’ve already been dealing with.

She also said that I should sleep as much as I could. I should also not do anything complex. Don’t do anything that may make me upset.

Well…I have to make a living, right?

I walked out on the deck and told Nancy everything and was a wreck. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn’t provide for the household. I felt like I was just a leech.

Granted, this is probably just another symptom of the switch of the meds, but goddamn, it fucking hurt.

I’m still in the midst of the transition, but I wanted to post this to let folks know that I’m feeling this.

Why would I post this?

I hope that at least one person who feels the same as me and realizes they are not alone.

Love you all,

Dan