TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains content about suicide, suicide ideation/attempts, major depression

I’m sorry for not posting much since my last update and there’s really no excuse, other than my brain is STILL an asshole…and, well…2025.

I just re-read my last post, and it seems so long ago. I was most definitely in a different and darker place.

People to remember:
Jodie – my cognitive behavioral therapist. I’ve been seeing her since 2018
Lori – my med management specialist. She’s a nurse practitioner so I get the good stuff from her
Nancy – My wife…try to keep up 😉

My insurance finally agreed to pay for Trintellix, and while I was happy about that, it was another change in my meds. Altering brain meds can take 6-8 weeks to take affect. At that point, I was just sort of numb to the changes. It was hard to get excited about another change.

I spent the better part of 6 months trying to get into our local hospital’s outpatient therapy. It was not successful, and it was torturous to my mental health. I called the number on the website and was passed along to about 10 different offices.

At one point, I was literally crying while talking to someone, saying “I’m screaming for help, and no one is hearing me”. I started slipping back into extremely dark thoughts. I was thinking “If the mental health wing of the hospital is ignoring me, then I’m not worth their help.” I started thinking again that suicide was an option, because CLEARLY the professionals know more about how I should be cared for than I know.

Decades ago, I had no sympathy for someone that committed suicide, and I regret that immensely. I now know how quickly one can go from HOLY SHIT LIFE IS AWESOME to YEP, TIME TO CHECK OUT!

Cancer took the life of my first roommate in Puerto Rico. Pat was an amazing person, and he was one of the few people that truly understood how horrible mental health could be. Over the course of the last few years, he talked me off ledges. He reached out to me when he was going through the worst health scares of his life. He was suffering from stage 4 cancer, and took time to reach out to me. I cannot explain how much that meant to me. When I realized he was gone, I lost it. I was a broken, weeping mess. We hadn’t seen each other in 20+ years, but that military bond is strong. Fuck cancer.

I miss you Pat Wright.

During one of my meetings with Lori, I expressed to her how much I had lost interest in…pretty much everything. Nothing was bringing me joy. I didn’t want to play my guitars, video games, work in the woodshop, or even cook dinner. I had lost the desire to do literally ANYTHING.

When she realized how bad I had gotten, she reached out to Jodie, and they decided that I needed more help. I’m now on an anti-psychotic medication Abilify. It boosts the effects of Trintellix, and so far? Doing ok.

Am I happy? No.

I have days where I’m just in a funk, and I can’t point to a trigger. Nothing happened, I’m just sad/depressed and don’t want to do anything. That includes eating or drinking.

Today is Christmas, and I’m writing this post. Why? I was in a funk for most of the day, for no goddamn reason. Nancy and I took the dogs out for a walk to the nearby marina and that helped. I played drums and that helped as well.

This is a much truncated version of what is going on within my brain meats, but I just wanted to get it out there. I promise I’ll post more often.

Love you all!